‘I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are decidedly average,’ said the angel, peering at me over the spectacles dangling precariously on the end of his long nose.
He was a short, potbellied man with a balding head. Like the other angels, he wore a flowing white toga. Large wings attached to his shoulder blades, and they fanned out behind him, draping over the back of his chair like a coat. The white feathers were distinctly ruffled, like hair that had been slept on. We were in what looked like a standard government office, with some very jarring differences. Behind me, the waiting area stretched on for what seemed like an eternity, with row upon row of mismatched chairs. The service area was relatively normal, with each angel occupying a desk. They even had desktop computers, and a plaque that showed each worker’s name in bold capital letters. Apparently, my angel’s name was Dave.
‘What does that mean?’ I asked.
‘Well… I’m afraid that you can’t get into heaven.’ Dave the angel replied sympathetically.
‘You’re kidding me! I’m going to hell because I’m average!’
‘No not at all.’
‘So what then?’
Dave squirmed uncomfortably, and I could almost hear his seat squeal in protest.
‘It means you’re sentenced to a one year trial. You’ll be assigned a duty, possibly helping out here in Judgment. Then after the year, you’ll have a retrial.’
‘But it took me almost one whole week of waiting to get to this point! You’re telling me that after that I have to work for a whole year, and then I only maybe get to go to heaven?’ I retorted angrily.
‘Well, you have to understand, we’re terribly understaffed.’
I drummed my fingers on my thighs, thinking.
‘Can’t I prove to you how good I’ve been? Who even decides that? Where is God? Or Jesus? Isn’t one of them meant to decide this kind of thing?’
‘Oh, we don’t bother them for this kind of thing anymore! We have a special computer algorithm that decides all of that.’ Dave laughed.
‘A computer thinks I’m not good enough to go to heaven? What about that time I helped May at school with her maths homework?’
‘Let’s see… hmmm…’ Dave’s fingers clicked over the keyboard for a moment. ‘That good deed was canceled by a bad one just two days later.’
‘What bad deed?’
‘Two days after helping May with her homework your friend Thomas asked if you two were going out. You said, and I quote “No way man! Her face looks like she ran into a wall.”,’
‘Right…’ I rubbed my forehead. ‘I know, what about when I helped my brother pick up all of his Lego?’
Again, the keyboard clicked as Dave went to work.
‘No, sorry that won’t help either. The Lego was only there because you had thrown it there as a prank.’
‘The time I let Marco use my computer to watch movies?’
‘Those, unfortunately, were pirated.’
My shoulders slumped, defeated. ‘I guess I’ll take the trial.’
‘Excellent! Give me a moment and I’ll process that request….’
I stood there, trying not to be too disappointed. Now that I thought about it, I realised Dave was right. I wasn’t good or bad. I was just average. I resolved to do better. In one year, I could move on. For one year, I just had to focus on doing good. How hard could it be?
‘You’re in for a real treat.’ Dave said, breaking through my train of thought. ‘You’re on Guide duty.’
Comments