‘Show me the film.’ I demanded.
On the screen before me, the picture came to life. The alien spacecraft, a large silver disk resting on the grass, opened and a ramp appeared. I gasped when I saw the creatures sliding to the bottom. One by one they emerged, slipping down the ramp like a slip and slide and the park.
It was undeniable. They were giant gummy bears.
The gummy bears looked around six feet tall and were translucent. They were varying colours, yellow, green, blue and red. Besides the variation in colour they were identical. They made strange squeaking noises, and jumped up and down on the grass.
‘Were you in charge of translation?’ I asked the man before me.
‘Yes sir. It took as a while as we had no reference language to compare it to. But we believe we have it. And they want our leader, Haribo. That’s what they are chanting, the strange squeaking noises. They say it over and over again. We want Haribo. We want Haribo the leader.’
I rubbed my eyes. But the video still played. This wasn’t a dream. Years of searching the stars, trying to find other life. We weren’t alone in the universe after all. But we never thought that other life would take the form of andy.
‘Well then, we will have to meet these gummy bears. Call the driver, we’ll leave at once.’
The car pulled up at the front of a farm. For some unfathomable reason the aliens had parked in a paddock of a farm miles from the city. The owners had called the police right away, and after hours of trying to convince them that an alien spaceship had arrived on their property, a policeman finally came to check it out. In truth, he thought it was some kind of code, and he was really expecting someone with a gun. Once he saw the metal disk sitting in the yard he called his superiors, and the area was cleared by government officials.
I stepped out of the car. My palms were sweaty, so I brushed them on my suit pants.
‘This way Mr President.’ A woman in swat gear greeted me, and ushered me around the back. The gummy bears were still there, squeaking and bouncing up and down on their stumpy little legs. The jelly of their bellies wobbled. My stomach growled. I had not yet had lunch, we left in too much of a hurry. I was not prepared for how delicious the gummy bears would smell.
‘Greetings friends.’ I said, holding up arms in what I hoped was a welcoming manner. To my right, the translator issued a series of high pitched squeaks, then nodded for me to continue.
‘I am leader for this country, the United States of America. What brings you here?’ The gummy bears stopped their bouncing, listening to the strange noises the translator was making. One near the front, a giant yellow gummy issued a response. I turned to the translator for assistance.
‘They say they are here to free their fellow gummies from oppression. I think they’ve seen an advertisement for gummy bears, and think it is monstrous how we sell them as slaves.’
At this I laughed. This was ridiculous. ‘Gummy bears aren’t slaves, they’re food.’ Before I could stop him, the translator squeaked a few times. As one the gummy bears turned to face me. The blood drained from my face.
‘You didn’t just translate what I said, did you?’
‘Uh…’
‘You idiot!’ I screamed.
As one, the gummy bears started to bounce towards us. I scrambled backwards, afraid to be squashed under a mountain of sugary blubber. The SWAT team overseeing the discussion leaped into action, jumping in front of me and raising their weapons.
‘Stay back!’ One of them, the woman who had lead me in yelled.
The bears kept coming, their rhythmic thumping almost hypnotic. Then the guns started firing. They ripped through the bears, jellied flesh flying as the bullets hit their mark. I was sprayed in the face. Tentatively I licked my lips. It was lemon flavored, the flesh on the leader I had spoken to moments before.
The gummy bears still moved forwards, leaping over their dead comrades.
‘Mr President, we have to go.’ Someone grabbed my arm. In a daze I was hauled into the car.
All the way back, I laughed hysterically.
And that was the start of the Great Gummy War.
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